piercethemen:

I swear at least five of my two friends don’t like me

gurlfriend: happy fathers day
bf: but im not a dad
gf: :)

officialunitedstates:

to all my spanish speaking followers:  hola

to all my non-spanish speaking followers who feel left out:  don’t worry, I just said “hello”.  maybe someday you too can grasp another language

sarcastic-snowflake:

So every morning I get off the train and start my 20 minute walk to work, and there’s this guy who’s always like 3 steps ahead of me and always beats me to the street corner bc I get stopped by the light and he passes it. but today I was ahead of him for the first time and he RUNS in front of me, turns around and goes “I’ve been winning for 2 months, can’t stop now, have a good day, see you tomorrow.”  tmrw I swear i’m wearing running shoes to work. 

niknak79:

Andre is not a happy camper

goodbyemisery:

i went into a whole foods and got to hear a woman arguing with a guy at the meat counter because she wanted grass fed organic chicken and he was desperately trying to explain to her that chickens don’t eat grass